Eric Abetz is, in fact, a turnip
Evidence?
Well,
first, here is a picture of a turnip:
Now
a picture of the ‘honourable’ Liberal Tasmanian Senator, Eric Abetz:
See?
It’s pretty clear that Eric Abetz is a turnip. A homophobic, xenophobic turnip,
located somewhere on the far right of the political spectrum, proudly aligned with
the nationalistic, populist sacks of slobbering, scared, borderline insentient
human flesh who perch there also, trumpeting bile and hate on loop, but a
turnip nonetheless.
You
want more evidence? OK.
·
Both are root vegetables. Like turnips, Eric
Abetz was pulled from the Earth. This is why he is clearly so aggravated by
homosexuals being congratulated for coming out of the closet. He just wants to
be celebrated for being yanked from the dirt.
·
Both are rich sources of dietary fibres, vitamins
C and potassium, although the words that dribble from Eric Abetz’s mouth are
still noticeably encased in the manure which nurtured him whilst he was rooted
and grew in the Tasmanian soil from which he was pulled. As such, it is
recommended that no one feeds on Eric Abetz until he is given a good and proper
scrub.
·
Anyone who licks Eric Abetz will find he has the
peppery sweet radish taste of turnips. However, again, this is not recommended:
firstly, as noted, he needs cleaning; secondly, he needs significant time in a
good meaty stew to break down to be properly appreciated; and, finally, if you
are a man, he will be terrified and reactively violent if you were to try to
lick him. This last point is perhaps his least ‘turnippy’ characteristic, as
turnips don’t discriminate in regard to who eats them. Gay, straight, trans,
black, white, Muslim, Christian, Atheist, it
doesn’t matter, they’re an equal opportunity root vegetable.
·
Both are best suited to cool weather. This
explains why he is such a cranky turnip during Canberra’s sweltering summer
months. He is longing for the cold arctic breezes of Tasmania and his home in
its nutrient rich dirt where he can hide from the tide of gays, women and
immigrants he seems to fear are massing to tear apart Australia.
Eric Abetz is a
turnip.
But how can a turnip hold our PM to
task you rightfully ask? How can a turnip be such a dominating figure of our
shallow, reactive political discourse, wallowing in the politics of fear and
blame?
Well, vegetables seem to dominate our
parliament anyway. From the walking, vitriol spewing carrot that is Pauline
Hanson, to the wet hessian bag of potatoes, adorned with southern crosses, that is
George Christensen, to the one and only living, breathing cannibalistic onion,
Tony Abbott, the Australian parliament is being overrun by an assortment of (mostly,
root) vegetables best suited to be doused in olive oil, salt, pepper, maybe
some garlic (Peter Dutton), popped into an oven and served with the kind of
traditional, but largely extinct, even mythical, white Christian Sunday roast
they’re all so intent on protecting.
Considering this prevalence of vegetables in our government, 'ruled' over by Malcolm Turnbull - an awkward, cowardly, overripe tomato, beaten up by the much swarthier root vegetables on his right - it is little wonder that a turnip, the vegetable that was central to the diet of Ancient Greece and Rome, can
have such a central place in our halls of power.
Eric Abetz is a turnip.
