Greetings, investors! My name is Hector Faigle, CEO and
Chief Technician at KustomCompLTD!
(wait for
applause)
And do I have an opportunity for you!
With the lives we lead online, there’s
always someone watching. The government. The social media. Invisible creatures going
by unconscionable aliases dwelling in the corner of the internet. And worse
still, friends and loved ones. They observe, analyse and judge. Who wants to be
judged for what they do in private with their digital selves?
Some would
say that the answer lies perhaps in shutting down. Switching off. At best,
controlling our online habits. Reclaiming and rewriting, maybe even eliminating
our online personalities. I say that such solutions are nothing more than
thinking small! Refusing the gifts technology has given us! In these days of
our enlightenment and access and fantasy made real, why turn our backs to the
internet? Why refuse ourselves?
See, my current
girlfriend and I, we are deeply in love. The proper kind of soul to soul understanding.
She gets me. I get her. We like the same televisual entertainment. Have similar
senses of humour and both thoroughly enjoy West African cuisine. Life moves
pleasantly along. Supportive and affectionate, filled with Ghanan curries and
long bouts of Netflix.
But does
she need to know all about my online
life?
I have this
close friend. We’ll call him Harry – for anonymity’s sake, of course – and he
had a girlfriend who happened onto his personal, internet habits. And, well, Kate
was somewhat perturbed. Which isn’t to say that Harry’s tastes and viewing
rituals online were any more peculiar than the next persons. Not at all. Who are
you – am I, to judge? I mean, one man’s fetish for feet is another’s longing for
dark vans, chains, foreboding music, and little blondes with blushed cheeks.
Right? It all amounts to the same thing: personal, private enjoyment.
Did you know that ‘fetish’ means
to be in awe of something? Apt, isn’t it? Are we not entitled to enjoy a little
show every now and again? Have our awe bodily inspire us? Give our quieter, but
no less urgent desires, a little attention? Can we not light a few candles, dim
the lights, turn up the speakers, and indulge?
Kate seemed
to think not. Seemed to think Harry’s own penchants were her concern also. A
betrayal of taste and common decency, she said! Like he would ever ask her to
partake in his fantasies. Unless she wanted to. It’s not like they’re that
dangerous in properly controlled conditions, with the right safe bells nearby
for her to ring after the ritualised gagging. It’s all performance people! Not
real, but fantasy’s reality.
But, in the end, these are
private concerns of the flesh. And Harry’s privacy was compromised when Kate
stumbled, firstly, into his office unexpectantly, then secondly, into his
personal computer’s search history. (I’m still yet to figure out how one
accidentally opens another person’s search history, but Kate was an honest
woman – her own internet life (of course, according to Harry) was littered with
Practicing Truthfullness memes and Honesty Forums.)
Kate and Harry
were close. A lovely fit. I mean, no one questioned the strength of their bond.
They were what all their couple friends aspired to. It seemed like fate. Even
after it was all over, after Kate had let the chained blonde out of the bag –
so to speak – their friends were still certain they would make amends. It didn’t
seem right they said. I certainly thought so.
But her judgment of his innocent little
predilections, and understandable predilections for the innocent, left a
permanently bad taste in the mouth of their relationship. Harry never felt safe
indulging around her again, lest she mistakenly opened a window she would never
understand. Not that they could be ‘understood’ in the conventional sense. No.
They were beyond understanding, I assure you. More sensuous than anything.
Oh, he was
a broken man when she left him. I, personally, up-close, had to bear witness to
the tides of erotica and amateurs and black van rouge videos he bathed in to exfoliate
his hurt. These videos and fantasies, so often a source of comfort, became a blasé
glut. He drowned in them and forgot his simple pleasures.
He said, that it all became too
easy. There was less rush, less satisfaction. There was guilt, but the wrong
kind.
I watched
his malaise sadly and I grew concerned with my own totally normal, regular
infatuations and habits. Not that his were not, you know, normal – mostly. Honestly,
I can see the particular appeal: the control, the shadows, the shine off the
chain.
But instead of dwelling in
desolation, worried forever that my significant others were always bound to
uncover my satisfactions, I rose up to create a better world. Not just for Harry,
but for others. For those who just like the occasional release without being
accidentally discovered for their individual delights. For those whose tastes
tend to side with what the rest of the world may unfortunately call ‘unusual!’ For
those who value well-made technology that enhances and protects their online
selves. For those who love the game of evasion, but not the risk of ever
losing.
I designed
the first Very Private Cumputer (VPC)™ personal laptop.
(wait for
rapturous applause)
Now, you may be asking
yourselves: well, haven’t we mastered computer design? What more could possibly
be added to my well-made, sleek little laptop? It does all the tasks I need it
to. Some I don’t. And, hell, some I don’t even know about.
(wait for
laughter)
And, even
then, Mr Faigle, surely you know that there are ways to delete search history,
to control your online persona, to be more selective about when to indulge so
as to avoid prying eyes?
Well, of
course there are! But that requires so much boorish planning. So much clicking
and cleaning up. Who has time for that? And who is to say it is even comfortable? Perfectly safe? We
all make mistakes, friends. These days, these mistakes can be gargantuan,
leading down the path of public humiliation, judgement, or a Kate breaking your
heart over some very small personal pleasure, shot in perfect HD to get the
lighting on the chains, cheek’s blush, and side nipple just right.
With the
VPC™, I can guarantee you all the enjoyment of your personal moments, along
with privacy, comfort, and, above all, SIMPLICITY!
The VPC™ is
ergonomically designed by the best German and Dutch engineers, with a dual
mouse feature. Finally, you’ll be able to handle your ‘mice’ simultaneously
(wait for laughter)
without ever having to awkwardly cross arms! Or, alternatively,
switch it up and try out your other hand for a bit of a stranger experience!
Either way, you’ll find this to be the most comfortably designed laptop you’ve
ever seen. Heck, sometimes I have to hide it from my current girlfriend who
adores its streamlined features and adjustable screens and keyboards. It’s my
turn, Hector, she’ll say.
(wait for
thoughtful pause)
And, you
know what, she can have it. (When I’m not using it, anyway!) I’ll never have to
worry about her finding any mess on my VPC™, because it features a discrete
Japanese-made self-cleaning system, with a six ply tissue dispenser, desticking mister,
and a one of its kind Catching Glove which can be fitted to almost any
household drainage system. In our world of convenience, why continue with thin tissues when a perfectly adequate Catching Glove is right there?
That’s not
all, either! The VPC™ also features a unique in-built security system that
automatically keeps your computer free of pop-ups, viruses, government
watchdogs, and unfortunate accidental Social Media shares. It automatically
erases your search history, while maintaining a finger print locked personal
history of your beloved videos, performers, scenes, and sites! If I want to go
straight to my favourite completely normal live stream, all I’ve got to do is wipe
my thumb across the print reader and my VPC™ sends me straight to the peep
show. What a service! And no accidental, Kate-like stumbling across your own
special video stash, like the old days!
The
security measures don’t stop there either, because you’ll never have to worry
about people sticky beaking (accidentally or deliberately) into your private
business ever again!
(wait for
applause)
The VPC™ features
360-degree motion sensors that alert you to any immediate dangers to your
personal enjoyment, which can be toggled to monitor distances from six to 50
meters. Never get caught out surprised again! Be aware of your surroundings! Personalise your alarms sound from over 100 options!
Of course,
I know sometimes we all get lost in the thrall of our pleasures and with a
system like the VPC™, with its beautiful 4K HyperReal screen and a carefully
curated surround-sound system, it is all too easy to ignore its inbuilt warning
signs. Which is why I am so excited about the revolutionary design of the
Crane. Attached to the rear of your laptop, the Crane is suspended over your
head and attached to the rear of your pants. If all warning signs are ignored
and someone is detected by your VPC™ to enter your special pleasure palace, the
Crane goes into action, quickly yanking your pants back to their acceptable on
position, before withdrawing behind your laptop and opening Excel.
Brilliant,
no!?
(wait for
rapturous applause)
This,
folks, is the game changer! It has already saved me from potential
embarrassment in front of my current girlfriend – a close call it was too! –
and could have saved the otherworldly bond Harry had with Kate: the one everyone
thought would last a lifetime because they had it all and it worked so well and
they just seemed to walk in one another’s steps in perfect synchronicity. Never
would she have seen, nor heard, those videos, and busted him in the act, chain wrapped
delicately around his neck, oil greasing his chest, pants around his ankles –
the Crane would have saved him.
It isn’t worth trying to get over
the loss of people like Kate in your life. Harry says he’s ok now. Been very
busy, I assure you. But we all know he still hurts and his little online worlds
and pleasures have never been the same.
According to such distinguished
websites like pcworld.com, computerreviews.eu and safeerotica.org, VPC™ is the
way forward for laptop design! Acclaimed online reviewer and prominent Pornhub
commentator, Barry Snife, recently wrote: ‘For the amateur purveyor, or
homegrown connoisseur, the Very Private Cumputer™ is the way forward for properly
hiding your pornographic habits.’
In the old days, we’d stash our
magazines under the bed, and Kate would have turned a blind eye. But, these
days, with limitless exciting options to explore, we need something more than a
bed, something more than merely changing our habits. Now, all you need is a
personalised VPC™ laptop!
