Boomer:
Hello. Thanks for coming. Please, take a seat.
…
Boomer:
You can’t? Why?
…
Boomer:
A meteorological phenomenon? What’s that?
…
Boomer:
Yes, but’s wrong with being called ‘weather’? That’s what
you are.
…
Boomer:
I don’t see how that is stopping you from taking a seat.
…
Boomer:
*scoff* Have it your way then. I personally think my chair is more
than capable of handling your so-called immensity.
…
Boomer:
Anyway, we need to have a little chat about your performance
in Melbourne the last few weeks. Frankly, it’s just unacceptable.
…
Boomer:
Why? Because it’s irregular. It’s spring and it’s cold. I’m
supposed to be out watching my gardener trim the petunias at the moment, not
tucked up inside with my central heating switched on. Gas bill will cost me the
proverbial, especially with the missus constantly fiddling with the thermostat.
I’m always telling her that 24.5 degrees is optimum. She’d rather we live in a broiling
swamp.
…
Boomer:
Yeah, listen, I know this is Melbourne – four seasons in one
day, haha – and Melbourne has its, um, penchant for being a bit –
whadda call it? – hipster. Bit original, individual, bunch of laneways and graffiti and that stuff. I mean, I get culture. I go the museum and the musicals. But I don’t see how that excuses this complete
refusal to align with traditional weather –
…
Boomer:
… if you say so – meteorological
*under breath* silly term –
patterns.
…
Boomer:
My fault?
…
Boomer:
Ridiculous. Clearly, you’re not working hard enough. Just
gotta get your foot in the door. Start from the bottom: bit of 20 degrees here
or there. Maybe, a cheeky 25, you know? It’s the problem with your generation, you
just don’t have the value of patience that defines people like me. Too eager to
switch from 35 degree balmy days, to 12 degree freezers. Shows a complete lack
of persistence.
…
Boomer:
Not that easy? Of course it is. As they say, you can’t spend
all your chips on avocado and expect to own a house.
…
Boomer:
Apply to you? Well, it’s the gist of the thing isn’t it?
Instead of just taking the easy way – punishing us with rain and hail temper
tantrums, bit of artic wind – you could just get your head down and save up
some of that rotten weather, turn it into something nice for the rest of us.
…
Boomer:
What do you get in return? Isn’t the satisfaction of a job
well done enough? I don’t get how you all think that your every action is
worthy of payment. We all need to make sacrifices to get what we want.
…
Boomer:
My sacrifice is taking time out of my day to talk to you.
…
Boomer:
It’s hard to concentrate on what you’re saying when you won’t
just sit down.
…
Boomer:
I still don’t get why your abstraction is a problem.
No flexibility. Gotta be willing to put in the yards. When I was learning to
sit, I started small, with a stool. Eventually, with a great deal of hard work,
I graduated to a nice lounging beach chair in Sorrento. You people have no
appreciation of the process.
…
Boomer:
No imagination, either. An absence of limbs is not an
excuse, weather.
…
Boomer:
I think I’ll call you what I’m most comfortable with, thank
you very much.
…
Boomer:
Are you going to do something about this unseasonable chill,
then? I’ve got the races and my beach house waiting for me. Can’t really do
much at either if it continues raining and being fucking cold.
…
Boomer:
That’s just plain disappointing. Back when I was young,
there was never this kind of drama. You could tell the date by the change in
weather.
...
Boomer:
Really, it’s like buying a house. Just got to work hard – like I did
as a young man – and you can get a nice townhouse in Malvern. You, weather,
just need to work at it a bit, get over complaints about ozones and emissions
– a pair of excuses, at the end of the day – and get it done. Plenty of opportunity
out there for a nice day if you're willing to look. Might need to scrape
by a bit at first – few less boutique beers and trips to Europe, so to speak – but that’s the way it
goes. Can't be spending all that hard earned sun in Mykonos.
…
Boomer:
Where are you going? Fuck, you’re all so indecisive and
flaky: whatever happened to commitment? To regular, good old-fashioned weather?
…
Boomer:
Global warming? A myth created by Greenies who wanna lure us into socialism. So, no, it’s not my fault. You’re just
lazy. Keener to post yourself on Instagram with some kinda motivational
message, then actually live that message and achieve something.
…
Boomer:
Yeah, is that so? Whatta snowflake. There’s two sexes, and
the weather is the weather. And, currently, you’re doing a shit job. Work
harder.
