Some True Facts About Melbourne's Public Transport

1.      The movements of Melbourne’s public transport are conducted by the Overlord Balthazar, the Demon God of Lateness. It is He who dictates the sacred Timetable, determines the holy Prices, and modulates the three circles of the Zones. It is He who ensures that Bus, Tram and Train never quite correlate in their arrivals and departures. It is He who has cast Doncaster (referred to by his minions as the Forbidden Zone) and Monash University Clayton into the convoluted and challenging realm of the Bus and never the Train.

2.      Balthazar’s powers of Failed Punctuality are only given strength by great heat.

3.      A Tram, Train or Bus is never ‘late.’ Balthazar’s notion of time is one that believes in its permeability and relativity; that to claim some form of transport is late, is to examine its lateness only in retrospection, rather than the circumstances of its immediate moment that are beyond the comprehension of most public transport passengers.

4.      Balthazar controls his realm from the ‘empty’ floors of Flinders St Station. Sometimes you can hear him cackling like a Train’s rattle, wheezing like a Tram’s failed air conditioning, and squealing like a Bus's breaks.

5.      Balthazar is Eternal and has a sizeable investment in the East-West Link. His Powers only increase as more people squeeze onto his vessels; His Failed Punctuality only given more of the frustrated instability it needs to function.

6.      Balthazar’s Grand High Priest is the Victorian Minister for Public Transport, Terry Mulder. His portfolio/role/sacred duty includes Excuses, Doing Nothing, and Arguing For/Building Roads.

7.      The disciples of Balthazar gather on the steps of Flinders St Station. They worship him with their grunge and poor attitude.

8.      Melbourne’s public transport inspectors refer to themselves as ‘The Hands of Balthazar.’

9.      When a Hand of Balthazar issues a fine, they refer to the slip they obtain as “my precious” and jealousy guard it until they must hand it over to the Bureaucratic Secretaries of Balthazar who put it through what they call The Process: a stamp of approval and delivery.

10.  The Hands of Balthazar are trained to be thoroughly conspicuous in all situations—a superpower enhanced by their heavy grey overcoats. This is the same for when they go undercover, where khaki and the Hawaiian shirt become their uniform.

11.  Compensation (for lateness, for cancelled ((relative term)) services, for the conduct of The Hands) is a Myth propagated by the scourge of Balthazar: the Ombudsman.

12.  Southern Cross Station is commonly referred to as The Railway Station Formally Known As Spencer St.

13.  The Frankston Line is Lost to us now.

14.  Tram drivers, or the Blind Eyes of Balthazar, have a firm belief in not seeing both people running for the tram and people already waiting at the stop. The Blind Eyes of Balthazar refer to their passengers as The Inconvenience.

15.  The Blind Eyes of Balthazar are trained to mumble any messages over the loud speaker and largely subscribe to Doctrine of the Stop-Start-Stop Method of driving, particularly in slightly dense traffic. They believe the indiscernible noises they make and the rocking motion of the tram returns their passengers to a child-like state, which keeps them placid.

16.  The 86 tram line, called the Curséd by Balthazar and the Chosen by its Riders, is the line of prophets and the wise intent of spreading the Word. They are the enemies of Balthazar and, sometimes, other passengers; although there is much to be learned as they mutter conspiracy through their red wine soaked beards and gesticulate with their veined arms that, in essentially mimicking the public transport maps, signify their Religion.

17.   Myki Ticketing is actually a sentient being: the difficult teenage child of Balthazar. Its temper tantrums include: a failure to work; taking its time; and outright robbery. The twice annual increase of ticket prices is used to subsidise Myki’s pocket money to keep it somewhat placated.

18.  Trains rarely stop at East Richmond Railway Station because it is haunted by the poltergeists of conductors. Balthazar is fearful of their ghostly practicality.

19.  Cancelled Trams, Trains, or Buses are cancelled for the transcendence of a Greater Good that Balthazar has never quite explained. The same goes for 'No Service' Trams, Trains, or Buses.
20.  All stops and stations are created equal, but some are more equal than others.