Some True Facts About the Platypus.

1.     The plural of Platypus is ‘Platypie.’

2.     Commonly thought to be a marsupial, the Platypus is actually most closely related to the mallard and sea otter—although it does share certain characteristics with the echidna: namely, a rigid sense of its territory and the joyous spectacle of its lovemaking. The famed biologist/meteorologist/garden gnome expert (hortagnomatist), Zinåne McGrégoré, has successfully and cogently traced Platypus genetics back three centuries to the beautifully strange moment of this rebellious union of the mallard and sea otter that birthed the First Platypus.[1]

3.     Supporting McGrégoré’s hypothesis is the curious oddity that Platypie worship, and actively aspire to, the status of the Cosmic Duck, whose quack does not echo in eternity; whose churning webbed feet turn the world; whose desire is bread; and whose pond can only ever be a dream for the Platypus.

4.     They are famously shy because they are embarrassed they cannot fly. If caught by surprise, you will often find them floating on their backs looking longingly at the sky, sometimes holding flippers.

5.     Their arch nemesis is the goose. Although more rare recently due to human intervention, pitched battles between a group of Platypie and some geese still happen with alarming frequency.

6.     When they hide, they tend to hide in their disguised, neat, Cosmic Duck decorated, and surprisingly well-furnished riverbank burrows. Like humans, they consider these homes to be their castle and jealousy guard them against attack from geese. 

7.     The sound a Platypus makes is quite close to the bark of a kelpie.

8.     Platypie live in large groups, or ‘platypacks,’ of between 10 to 33 Platypie, in well ordered communities of burrows and Cosmic Duck temples. A sole matriarch leads these Playtpacks and can be identified by the gum tree leaf they carry around in their bill, which McGrégoré simply calls the ‘scepter.’ This matriarch assumes her position—generally held for life—through a rudimentary, and still yet to be fully understood, democratic system that appears to mostly involve the Platypie barking at each other and scheming in their burrows.

9.     Their diet consists of river moss, geese eggs (hence some of the animosity) and tadpoles. Indeed, they are considered the finest tadpole hunters in the known world, utilizing a complex system of sonar, pack hunting techniques—involving copious and morally questionable diversionary tactics—and their outstanding agility to capture tadpoles by the hundreds.

10.  The males have toxic spikes, or spurs, on their legs. These act both as defensive tools and emergency penises in the event of a particularly horrific goose attack. The toxin these spikes carry is poisonous to all but the Platypus for whom it essentially acts as a fertiliser.

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[1] See his book, The Changing of the Webbéd River Tides: When Mallard Met Otter (2005), for more detailed information about the conception of the Platypus.