Today I stumbled across this article on The Age
website: “Glamour magazine retracts embarrassing listicle: 13 Little Things
That Can Make Men Fall Hard for You.”[1]
The list reads, as one angry Twitter-er noted, as a veritable instruction
manual for that great mythical being: the 50’s housewife. It includes such valuable advice as:
- “Stocking the fridge with
his favourite drinks. Bonus points: Bring him back to his fraternity days
by handing him a cold one as he steps out of the shower.”
- “Making him a snack after
sex. It doesn't have to be a gourmet meal – a simple grilled
cheese or milk and cookies will do.”
- “Sitting side-by-side while he watches his favourite TV. It may not feel like quality time to you, but it's the best time to him."
- Stock the pantry with images
of watermelons and portraits of Shakespeare. If he asks where all the food
has gone, point at the watermelon pictures and simply ask: “Shall I
compare thee to a summer’s day?”
- After sex, make a full five course degustation dinner with matching whiskeys. Theme the meal with Dante’s Divine Comedy in mind—it doesn’t have to be the whole work, the Inferno is more than adequate. Serve under the light of an ornate chandelier. The soundtrack should be your favourite Gregorian chants and the laugh track from Full House. As he sits down to feed, suddenly hurl the meal at a mirror, pour the whiskey out the window, and jump up to swing off the chandelier. While you’re hanging above him, put on an opulent Peruvian mask and inform him that you’re hungry.
- Treat his friends like they were broom handles: note how thin and taut they are, and how easy they look to grip. Express frustration when they don’t connect properly to your favourite mop head: the cat. He’ll love you for trying.
- Regularly email him wry quips about his favourite herbs and images of famous Camel Wrestlers. You don’t need to be an expert herbalist or have anything other than a passing interest in Camel Wrestling, just show that you kind of care about these things, even if he doesn’t.
- Brag about his clavicle to his family and friends. Make a point of noting how pronounced it is and how he never breaks it. Say that this proves him to be “strong as a quail.”
- Dress him in lederhosen and dance the cha cha to the chatter of Al Gore’s An Inconvenient Truth.
- Buy a duck and name it Geronimo. Harness Geronimo to a wagon mounted with a stereo playing your man’s favourite song on perpetual loop. Have Geronimo walk around the house.
- Don’t just be open to possibilities, become Possibility itself.
- Spend an afternoon refusing to speak in any language other than badly accented Wookie.
- When he comes home after a long day at work, answer the door in full medieval armour; or, better yet, just hit him in the face with a mace.
- Find out what his favourite food is and buy all its available stocks. Through the mysterious and unexplainable mechanisms of the market, raise its value exponentially. Inform him that his tastes are now more valuable, thus making him more valuable. Serve his favourite food on a piece of cardboard cut from a homeless man’s shelter.
- When watching TV together, insist that you sit on his shoulders; or, at least, on top of the couch right behind him. Intermittently yell, “Away Sagittarius!” and swat his ear lobe.
- Repeat everything he says to you in the voice of a much younger, significantly more nasal you. Whilst doing this, raise your eyebrow and pointer finger as if to perpetually question the wisdom of whatever he says. He’ll love that you challenge him.
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