Last night, on something of a whim and in the company of
some fine folks, I consumed maybe 4 to 6 negronis. These were drunk at the
conclusion of the evening’s frivolity as a kind of figurative punctuation mark acknowledging
the looming presence of midnight and the eventual need to head home.
Today I can feel all those cocktails sitting somewhere in
the back of my head, perpetually crumpling up sheets of aluminium foil to hurl
at my cerebral cortex, whilst singing Alanis Morissette’s “Ironic” in the wrong
key, accompanied by a slightly out of tune guitar.
But despite the ruby campari haze I currently find myself lost
within, and after much musing about the wisdom of ending nights as such, I have
come to the firm resolution that there will never be an adequate reason for me
to a) not drink negronis; and, b) not enjoy them more than my pitiful words can
describe. If there were actually a nectar of the Gods—some Ideal beverage so
perfect it is beyond human comprehension—a negroni would look dismissively upon
this nectar, spit, probably fart, then mutter, ‘nice try,’ before finding the
nectar’s mother and making fierce (but satisfactory) love to her.
In tribute, then, to the negroni (that perfect bitter blend
of gin, campari and vermouth on ice with an orange peel), I present here some
true facts about the negroni.
- The negroni was invented
by Captain Alfred Whitehead Negroni in 14th Century Albania to
cure aggressive lethargy. The original recipe contained traces of mercury
and instead of orange peels they adorned the beverage with a whole Kiwi
fruit.
- The negroni became popular
in the 16th century largely because of pirates (who also finely honed the recipe to its current grandiosity). Although
pirates are commonly (and stereotypically) marked as rum drinkers, they
have always been partial to negronis (violently partial one could say). As it became associated
with the rough and tumble free-spirited pirate image, the popularity of
the negroni soared to great heights, demanded by patrons of inns in
countries as diverse as Angola and Lithuania.
- Many respected historical
scholars attribute the true cause of the French Revolution to the misguided
attempt by the monarchy to change the recipe of the negroni so that Absolute
vodka was used instead of gin.
- Most waterfowl love
negronis and there is perhaps nothing more terrifying in the animal world
than a herd of ducks stampeding in search of a nearby negroni.
- Although the negroni is
named after its creator, by an intensely strange fluke, negroni spelled backwards is inorgen, which is a Dutch compound word that essentially
means: ‘the splendid liquid sunset.’
- The negroni was largely
responsible for the Great New York City Fire of 1845. This was because the
majority of the metropolitan fire brigade had been out the night before at
a fancy dress party, all coincidentally adorned in pirate costumes (except
for Eric Steelz who came as a clown and was promptly ostracised). When the
firemen got over the shock that they’d all elected to wear the same
costume, they thought it appropriate they consume only negronis. Most were
too hungover to report to work the next day. Most agreed it was a top
night.
- Ideally, Negronis are best
enjoyed—are, indeed, at their prime—if the drinker is dressed in full Conquistador
regalia. Additionally, they should be sitting on an ergonomic desk chair.
- People who are allergic
to, or who don’t like, negronis, are in fact phantoms and should be
banished to the NetherRealm from which they have mistakenly escaped.
- In primordial Amazonian culture,
the negroni is used to water the rainforest.
- In the beginning there was the
Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was Negroni.
