some true facts about the negroni

Last night, on something of a whim and in the company of some fine folks, I consumed maybe 4 to 6 negronis. These were drunk at the conclusion of the evening’s frivolity as a kind of figurative punctuation mark acknowledging the looming presence of midnight and the eventual need to head home.

Today I can feel all those cocktails sitting somewhere in the back of my head, perpetually crumpling up sheets of aluminium foil to hurl at my cerebral cortex, whilst singing Alanis Morissette’s “Ironic” in the wrong key, accompanied by a slightly out of tune guitar.

But despite the ruby campari haze I currently find myself lost within, and after much musing about the wisdom of ending nights as such, I have come to the firm resolution that there will never be an adequate reason for me to a) not drink negronis; and, b) not enjoy them more than my pitiful words can describe. If there were actually a nectar of the Gods—some Ideal beverage so perfect it is beyond human comprehension—a negroni would look dismissively upon this nectar, spit, probably fart, then mutter, ‘nice try,’ before finding the nectar’s mother and making fierce (but satisfactory) love to her.

In tribute, then, to the negroni (that perfect bitter blend of gin, campari and vermouth on ice with an orange peel), I present here some true facts about the negroni.

1. The negroni was invented by Captain Alfred Whitehead Negroni in 14^th Century Albania to cure aggressive lethargy. The original recipe contained traces of mercury and instead of orange peels they adorned the beverage with a whole Kiwi fruit.
2. The negroni became popular in the 16^th century largely because of pirates (who also finely honed the recipe to its current grandiosity). Although pirates are commonly (and stereotypically) marked as rum drinkers, they have always been partial to negronis (violently partial one could say). As it became associated with the rough and tumble free-spirited pirate image, the popularity of the negroni soared to great heights, demanded by patrons of inns in countries as diverse as Angola and Lithuania.
3. Many respected historical scholars attribute the true cause of the French Revolution to the misguided attempt by the monarchy to change the recipe of the negroni so that Absolute vodka was used instead of gin.
4. Most waterfowl love negronis and there is perhaps nothing more terrifying in the animal world than a herd of ducks stampeding in search of a nearby negroni.
5. Although the negroni is named after its creator, by an intensely strange fluke, negroni spelled backwards is inorgen, which is a Dutch compound word that essentially means: ‘the splendid liquid sunset.’
6. The negroni was largely responsible for the Great New York City Fire of 1845. This was because the majority of the metropolitan fire brigade had been out the night before at a fancy dress party, all coincidentally adorned in pirate costumes (except for Eric Steelz who came as a clown and was promptly ostracised). When the firemen got over the shock that they’d all elected to wear the same costume, they thought it appropriate they consume only negronis. Most were too hungover to report to work the next day. Most agreed it was a top night.
7. Ideally, Negronis are best enjoyed—are, indeed, at their prime—if the drinker is dressed in full Conquistador regalia. Additionally, they should be sitting on an ergonomic desk chair.
8. People who are allergic to, or who don’t like, negronis, are in fact phantoms and should be banished to the NetherRealm from which they have mistakenly escaped.  
9. In primordial Amazonian culture, the negroni is used to water the rainforest.
10. In the beginning there was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was Negroni.