the flight of the koala

A family of koalas sat huddled and fearful at the top of a lone eucalyptus tree in the middle of a paddock. Circling its base, braying with horrific menace, was a herd of territorial cattle - grass fed Black Angus whose moos were murderous profanity laced taunts: ‘our hooves ain’t ground no teddy down to dust recently and I’ll be damned if our hooves don’t be itchin youse lil clap infested runts!’ The Black Angus spat and trampled the ground, leering as far upwards as their necks would allow their massive heads to tilt. Their tongues rolled out around their luscious cheeks and their tails flicked flies.

            The family of koalas shivered and held for life to their bone white coloured branches. They had been trapped atop the eucalyptus for near two whole days and their supply of preciously succulent eucalypt leaves was running short. Brave Uncle Achilles and the clever clan matriarch, Mother Sally, had been trampled when they had fled their last tree. Neither stood a chance as they tried to deflect and distract the advance of the furious herd. Their fragile koala bodies had been squashed terribly to the sounds of victorious moos. Poor little Jeremiah, barely out of the pouch, had hardly ceased to weep terrified tears between mouthfuls of green leaves. He didn’t even nap.

            ‘Whatever are we to do Papa?’ asked little Jeremiah. ‘They will not quit us. There are no more eucalyptus trees.’

            Papa Elgin chewed thoughtfully and spat a little. His veneer of calm, sleepy koala was coming slowly unhinged and he desperately held to whatever control was left to him. There was not much. The moos were becoming too much. His family was disappearing.

            ‘They will tire of us soon, my son. We will find another tree. We must hold onto hope.’

            Young dream Scarlett Dove, the greenest eucalypt leaf of her father’s eye, woke up on her branch to roll her eyes, then drifted back to sleep.

Aunt Ethel, whose body was wracked with the chlamydia, cackled and snorted. ‘Hopelessly hoping with sacks of meat at our door! Oh, what a day!’ She spat at the cows below her. ‘All I see is angry steaks! Angry steaks with angry hooves determined to crush frightened koalas!’ Her voice was sing song. The chlamydia had deteriorated her mind.

            Jeremiah looked down into the black eyes of the Black Angus below. ‘Cry bear!’ they bellowed at him. ‘Ca-ca-crrryyyyyy beeeeaaaarrrrrr!’

            ‘Why do they hate us so?’ asked little Jeremiah.

            Papa Elgin could only shrug. ‘They believe we don’t belong in their paddock, my son.’

            ‘Scaredy steaks worried we’ll be in stews instead,’ nattered Aunt Ethel, whose body was wracked with the chlamydia. ‘And for sure we’d be a tastier morsel too! Hey, steaks! Threatened much?’ she screamed at the cattle, who were unnerved by her chlamydia soaked rantings, shuffling awkwardly, their moos and taunts dumbed down to ‘youse fucks!’ Aunt Ethel, whose body was wracked with the chlamydia, just chortled at them. ‘Surely you have better roasts than that, steaks!’

            Little Jeremiah looked to his father. ‘Can’t we share?’

            Young dream Scarlett Dove woke again to roll her eyes and chew for a moment, then went back to sleep.

            ‘They don’t seem to think so,’ responded Papa Elgin, despondency and bits of leaf flicking from out his mouth.

            From the base of the tree, the fattest and finest coated of the Black Angus stepped forward of the throng. He called up to the family of koalas: ‘oi, youse furry fucks, come on now git down. We just want youse lot gone is all, plenty of trees elsewhere, in other paddocks, for youse to all chew and spit up and spend all day fucking napping. Lazy bludgers.’

            ‘We belong here as much as you,’ cried back Papa Elgin.

            ‘This here be cow paddock, not koala paddock. Youse can take your filthy chewing and fuck off to where youse came from.’

            Papa Elgin looked around at his family. At his terrified son, little Jeremiah, who need never have seen such atrocities, who should have remained safely ensconced in his mother’s pouch; at his young dream, Scarlett Dove, who still slept like the proudest and strongest koala he had ever known; and at Aunt Ethel, whose body was wracked with the chlamydia, who absently picked off strings of bark to hurl ineffectively at the cattle.

            The leader of the Black Angus stood still, though his tail flowed rhythmically. ‘Listen, we’ll give youse lot free passage. Just git back to where ever it is youse come from. This is cow paddock. Furry fucks.’

            ‘Yeah! Furry fucks!’ echoed the other cattle. ‘Teddy meat. Clap rags. Eucalypt stoned marsupial garbage!’

            ‘You’re all destined for the slaughter house and time is short for you lot of yummy yummy steaks. Get up alongside them frites now! Bit o’ pepper sauce! Mushroom sauce! Dipped in béarnaise medium rare! Lips will smack! Yummy in their tummy!’ screamed Aunt Ethel, whose body was wracked with the chlamydia. The Black Angus backed away. ‘Hahahahahaha! Meat! Lot of ya! Lying, thieving, fibbing, bullshitting meat!’

Even with her mind coming undone by the disease savaging her body, Papa Elgin heard the truth of her rants. The cattle had no intention of letting the koalas leave the paddock safely.

‘Papa,’ begged little Jeremiah, ‘maybe they don’t lie.’

Papa Elgin knew was he had to do, saw the Black Angus for what they were, and he faced the sudden apparition of the truth staunchly through sleepy eyes, around a mouthful of eucalypt he spat to the ground. 

Taking one last leaf into his mouth, chewing with relish, he pontificated: ‘They do. They lie. They always do. It is the only way they can know themselves. It - their hate and fear - gives them purpose in their hopeless lives before arriving at the dinner table. It unites the idiot herd. They have no intention of letting us go. They don’t know how.’

‘Yes,’ exclaimed Aunt Ethel, whose body was wracked with the chlamydia. ‘Elgy gets it. The steaks fib!’

Papa Elgin sucked deeply and felt the air cool around the leaf slowly masticating in his mouth. ‘I’ll lure them away. Be brave my family.’ Young dream Scarlett Dove woke again. She didn’t go back to sleep. ‘Lead them to freedom my Scarlett Dove. Look after your brother and Aunt. I love you all.’

Before the moment of his bravery abandoned him, before his family could beg him to stay, Papa Elgin climbed quickly down the trunk of the tree. The cattle mooed excitedly. ‘He’s fucken suicidal! Little teddy wants to be hoof dust! Fucken brilliant!’ As soon as he reached the ground, Papa Elgin got down to all fours and with great, unexpected agility took off in elegant bounds through the legs of the cattle who in their confusion at the kamikaze rush of the koala rammed into one another, braying: ‘git da cunt!’ He weaved past their hooves, around their tails, dodged falling cow patties and emerged the other side of the milling herd. In the distance he could hear Aunt Ethel, whose body was wracked with the chlamydia, screaming: ‘slow meat best served slow cooked! Run Elgy! Slow cooked meat won’t get no koala! Run!’ The Black Angus finally organized themselves then and turned as one great mass, their heavy rumps and flanks bulging as they prepared to stampede after Papa Elgin and he knew the chase would not be a long as he bounded paw over paw away from the herd.

Taking one last look over his shoulder, he saw his family escaping from the tree and heading in the opposite direction as the cattle committed to their pursuit and Papa Elgin galloped away, feeling the hooves of the cattle reverberate the ground around him. He hoped there were other trees somewhere more welcoming for koalas than here. The Black Angus came impeccably on.