If thou
doth turn a deaf ear to a waiter’s greeting, then thou shalt be forever
disfigured, finding thine own tongue rendered mute and thine own ears turned
unto globular masses.
If thou
doth impede the passage of a waiter’s walking, then thou shalt be hobbled at
the knees.
If thou
doth interrupt a waiter’s specials sermon, then thou shalt be deprived of taste,
smell and sight.
If thou
doth use cutlery with graceless ineptitude, then thou shalt feed from a trough.
If thou
doth recoil from the hearty touch of gluten, then thou shalt forcefully partake
of the glutinous Body of Christ.
If thou
doth click thine fingers in the manner of a wanton peasant for a waiter’s
attention, then thou shalt find the divine privilege of opposable thumbs no
longer available to thee.
If thou
doth fail to account for the activities of thine children, then thine children’s
adorable little heads will toil diligently as toilet brushes for eternity.
If thou
doth find the act of sitting graciously an unbearable chore, then thou shalt no
longer comprehend the act of sitting itself, forever bewildered by chairs,
stools, couches and on and on.
If thou
doth leave thine phone in the place where a sacred meal is to be set, then thou
shalt be made to dine on thine phone.
If thou
canst handle thine alcohol, making grotesque mockery of holy dining manners,
then thou shalt be cursed to a lifetime of lemon lime bitters, the coward’s
beverage.
If thou
doth finds the words thank you to be
scarce in thine mouth, then thou shalt utter no other words but thank you so long as life is present in
thine body.
If thou
doth linger past one’s welcome and grasps not the concept of closed, then thou
shalt be entrapped in a moment’s perpetuity, no longer a creature of time or
God.
