The 12 Biblical Rules of Hospitality (Old Testament)

If thou doth turn a deaf ear to a waiter’s greeting, then thou shalt be forever disfigured, finding thine own tongue rendered mute and thine own ears turned unto globular masses.

If thou doth impede the passage of a waiter’s walking, then thou shalt be hobbled at the knees.

If thou doth interrupt a waiter’s specials sermon, then thou shalt be deprived of taste, smell and sight.

If thou doth use cutlery with graceless ineptitude, then thou shalt feed from a trough.

If thou doth recoil from the hearty touch of gluten, then thou shalt forcefully partake of the glutinous Body of Christ.

If thou doth click thine fingers in the manner of a wanton peasant for a waiter’s attention, then thou shalt find the divine privilege of opposable thumbs no longer available to thee.

If thou doth fail to account for the activities of thine children, then thine children’s adorable little heads will toil diligently as toilet brushes for eternity.

If thou doth find the act of sitting graciously an unbearable chore, then thou shalt no longer comprehend the act of sitting itself, forever bewildered by chairs, stools, couches and on and on.

If thou doth leave thine phone in the place where a sacred meal is to be set, then thou shalt be made to dine on thine phone.

If thou canst handle thine alcohol, making grotesque mockery of holy dining manners, then thou shalt be cursed to a lifetime of lemon lime bitters, the coward’s beverage.

If thou doth finds the words thank you to be scarce in thine mouth, then thou shalt utter no other words but thank you so long as life is present in thine body.

If thou doth linger past one’s welcome and grasps not the concept of closed, then thou shalt be entrapped in a moment’s perpetuity, no longer a creature of time or God.