Some True Facts About Peter Dutton

·       Peter Dutton is, in fact, a semi-sentient potato. Now this is well known. What is less well known is his particular species of potato: he is an unwashed russet burbank potato left outside in the sun too long. This explains his sickly bluish tinge, unsightly tentacles, and the slight stench of ferment about him. Peter Dutton is on his way to becoming a really cheap, nasty vodka.

·       In his previous life as a cop in QLD, his workmates referred to him as only Dirty Ol’ Russet.

·       His oft documented fear of ‘people of African appearance’ and ‘Sudanese gangs,’ has its nexus in both his inherent racial insecurities (a trait common to semi-sentient potatoes and other edible tubers – see also, Eric Abetz, semi-sentient turnip) and his fear of the dark and, more specifically, dark colours (no one has told him the irony of this fear, considering he is, in fact, a semi-sentient nightshade). As such, Peter Dutton is also terrified of: black or navy suits (and only wears them at parliament under great duress while heavily medicated), shadows, ninjas, having his night light switched off when he’s going sleepys, most black animals but particularly black bears, the sun setting, pirate eye patches, black holes, cauldrons, and –

·       He is deathly afraid of the Indigenous people of Australia (well, as scared of them as he is of ninjas, and Peter Dutton is very frightened of ninjas). The Indigenous flag terrifies him, mostly the top half. This partly explains his decision to absent himself from Kevin Rudd’s apology speech. (Also he misheard Tony Abbot who said there’d be ninjas there, but may have been using another rhyming n word. Either way, Peter Dutton wasn’t taking a risk, being deeply alarmed by both possibilities).

·       Peter Dutton believes that climate science is a form of black magic. Peter Dutton is terrified of black magic, and often feels compelled to tell his conservative allies that they must be wary of black magic and their practitioners. His fight against black magic is at the core of his ideology.

o   A generalised list of people whom Peter Dutton thinks use black magic: immigrants and refugees, the gays, women (he is particularly suspicious of the vagina, which he  associates with black holes and cauldrons), the Lebanese community, African gangs, Melbournians (particularly Melbournians with the gusto to visit restaurants at night) and, of course, Malcolm Turnball.

·       Peter Dutton’s private police unit, Border Force, is often given the secondary task of monitoring black magic and keeping watch on dark shadowy areas near Peter Dutton, lest either an African, ninja or black bear is hidden within.

·       Peter Dutton never ventures out at night to dine. He finds the experience too stressful – from the whole ‘night time’ dilemma, to dealing with peasant wait staff who do not appreciate the political class to which he belongs. Also, African gangs. African gangs everywhere.

·       Peter Dutton would put the very idea of dark colours and dark races in offshore detention if he was able. He is currently working on how to make this achievable.

·       Peter Dutton’s biggest dream is to ride a stallion adorned with Trump’s toupee, while shirtless, alongside Vladmir Putin, across the tundras of Russia, hunting foxes, black bears and undesirables. They’d be sweating and Putin would be licking Dutton’s vodka flavoured skin. And they’d both be white together. And neither would acknowledge the weather, for the weather is black magic and not worthy of their haughty concerns. And there would no gays anywhere.