Some True Facts About New Years Eve

1.    New Years Eve is loosely based on the 2011 film of the same name starring Sarah Jessica Parker.

2.     Pagans believe that the consumption of seafood and fossilised pterodactyl eggs on New Years Eve allows them to see the New Years Eve fairy.

3.     Sarah Jessica Parker is the New Years Eve fairy.

4.     New Years Eve was popularized in the 1980s to facilitate the production of twice as many Die Hard movies.

5.     Once called ‘Yeah Nah Eve,’ New Years Eve went through a period where it commemorated the first televised interview of a footballer.

6.     Ninjas take New Years Eve off. Generally there is too much light for them to operate effectively.

7.     New Years Eve fireworks are mostly holograms transmitted from a convenient location in Columbia.

8.      ‘Auld Lang Syne’ literally translates into ‘Difficult Birthing of the Year.’ Hard rocking Christians, Creed, wrote ‘Auld Lang Syne’ in tribute of Live’s ‘Lightning Crashes’ (another song about difficult birthing).

9.     The animal symbol of New Years Eve is the drunken ox. In some countries, people still bring in the New Year by screaming, ‘tally ho you devilish oxen!’ while dragging around wagons full of booze or tea.

10.  In the 1800s people celebrated New Years Eve by gathering around pianos in large groups and singing classic folk songs, like ‘Stairway to Heaven,’ ‘Teardrop,’ and ‘Lightning Crashes.’ The wearing of silly hats was not only encouraged but also enforced by law. The chicken hat was very popular, which is why some older folk still refer to New Years Eve as 'The Night of the Perched Poultry.'

11.  The traditional beverage of New Years Eve is not champagne like is commonly thought, but is actually Pepsi cola mixed with cognac sipped from a soup ladle.

12.  In the Pacific, dwelling on an island, is a tribal community that insists on the impossibility of New Years Eve and marks the organization of such a calendar event as an abomination; indeed, they mock the very idea of calendar, insisting instead on the heterogeneous continuity of time as an elongated moment we step within in life, then step beyond in death. Bombing and gifts have proven ineffective in communicating the logic of a year.

13.  New Years Eve was the setting of the gritty Chris Nolan Pokémon movie, ‘Mew Years Eve.’

14.  Robert Downey Jnr brings in the New Year by getting in his Iron Man costume/jump suit, drinking Pepsi & cognac, shouting ‘pow!’ and listening to Linkin Park. Katherine ‘Hammerhead’ Heigl is usually present.

15.  It is almost always disappointing as an event. And I expect this New Years Eve will probably be no different to any other New Years Eve.