Some True Facts About Tony Abbott

1.     He loves crumpets.

2.     He hates caramelization.

3.     He admires the writing of Matthew Reilly.

4.     He lives by the motto: ‘everyone deserves an Echidna, except gays/refugees/the poor/Holden employees/Julia Gillard/most of Tasmania/all of PNG.’

5.     He doesn’t particularly care for audaciousness, in any form.

6.     He is one of Australia’s premier scrapbookers.

7.     He breeds and trains Paraguayan guinea pigs.

8.     His favorite animal is the skink.

9.     His least favorite animal is the badger. At times, he also feels a peculiar animosity regarding the armadillo.

10.  He believes that riding his bicycle and wearing lycra maintains his libido.

11.  He is proud of, and frequently discusses, his libido.

12.  He didn’t pay attention in Form 5 (year 11) Social Studies.

13.  His super thin lips struggle to contain spittle and often slide against one another awkwardly when he is chewing.

14.  His ideal dinner party would have the following guests: the Queen, Matthew Reilly, Bryce Courtney, Mike Brady, the President of the Paraguayan Guinea Pig Breeding Association (PGPBA) Ronald ‘Pig Maker’ Arnott, Ted Cruz, that ‘bloke who wrote the Bible,’ and most of the Cronulla Sharks.

15.  He doesn’t drink to relax or even get drunk; he drinks to open his mind to new economic policies.

16.  He drinks Bundy and Iced Peppermint Tea.

17.  His ideal leisure activity is a long, languorous stroll on the beach, naked, brandishing a samurai sword, while hollering: ‘I am the serpent fairy!’

18.  He drinks extra hot, strong, decaf, soy cappuccinos with no chocolate and a little bit of water out of a gibbon’s skull (which, of course, he always has with him in case the café is not in possession of one).

19.  His last name, Abbott, is actually Chinese for ‘Loud Mouthed Whispering Fly.’

20.  He was a duck in a previous life. He still, occasionally, feels compelled to lead his cabinet in a V formation when they wander Parliament.

21.  His leadership style is to make loud distracting noises. Fart sounds are a personal favorite.

22.  He sleeps with the light on.

23.  His dreams mostly involve Rupert Murdoch pummeling a cactus.

24.  His speedos contain a genie. Not his penis. A real genie. If you rub them right that is.

25.  He sometimes forgets where Canberra is.